Finding the Beauty in Your Sky

    The tone of this entry is likely to be a little different, but ultimately, we will see where the words on the page take me. Writing for me, it’s a journey. Not to sound too poetic here, but I guess you could say that each line is like a road, and sometimes those roads are smooth, but other times I’m wondering where all the tax money went to fix the potholes, so I guess we’ll see how many I hit between now and the end of this post.

            Have you ever caught yourself starring off in the distance? Maybe even looking up into the sky? Picture your sky in whatever fashion comes easily to you. It could be pitch black or scattered with stars; maybe the only light you see is the faint shade of yellow coming from a nearby streetlight. Perhaps your sky is troubled by a brewing storm, cloudy, gray, out of focus with a thick layer of fog. I don’t know what sky you’re picturing right now, but in the moment this imagery came to mind for me, I pictured a clear blue sky, the kind you see on the perfect spring or summer day, with scattered puffy clouds that your child might point out their favorite animal within its shape.

            That sounds peaceful, right? I wish that when I thought of that blue sky, the first thing that came to mind for me was peace, but for myself, and so many others out there, in the depths of depression, a clear blue sky is something we can get lost in, and yet, the last thing on our mind is peace.

            The truth is, sometimes when I’m lost in that sky, its appearance has no influence on my state of mind at that given moment. Often, one of two things is taking place, I’m either gazing off into that distance, and my brain is numb, void of thought. I know the odds of someone out there reading this, and thinking to themselves, that can’t be true, our mind is never completely free of thought, is high. That person out there likely thinks that I’m just spinning webs to make myself sound deep. If I could talk to that person, I would say, you are partially right, our minds are constantly at work, but for a person who struggles with depression, there are moments that any thoughts floating around in the gray matter we call our brain, are restricted by an invisible wall. The thoughts may be pounding on that wall, screaming to break free, but for the depressed brain, it becomes white noise.

            Those other times? The times that invisible wall isn’t present, those are the moments I find myself lost in the vastness of that clear blue, and it reminds me of how a depressed brain often perceives time. The sky, it goes on forever, there’s no beginning and no ending in sight. There are no barriers that allow our restricted human thought processes to even begin to grasp its enormity.

            Those moments when I am lost in the magnitude of the sky, and all I can think about is how I relate it to time, those are the most agonizing moments. When a person has fallen into such a deep pit of depression that it begins to impact their ability to function in day-to-day life, when they’ve felt the torture in the thought of living another day, another moment, taking another painful shaky breath, time ends up feeling infinite. When all a person wants is a moment of peace, to find true joy, that they probably lost a long time ago, and they feel they’ve searched every avenue in effort to resolve that battle that is going on within them, one more day feels like eternity.

            Look, I understand that is not a rational thought, but the depressed mind isn’t rational. The logical side of me can go back to my Christian faith and remember that God’s word tells me that our lives are but a mere vapor. His word tells me that our time is fleeting, and there will quickly come a time when we return to the ground that we were formed from, but I want you to stop for a moment, if you have not felt the crushing weight of the depression I am describing, and I want you to really sit with the words you have just read, what conclusion do you come to? What is the most likely thought process for the irrational depressed mind, when it is presented with those words from the scriptures?

            I can tell you that someone struggling with that level of depression doesn’t view those words in the manner that they were intended, which is an urging, a pleading, a reminder that our time here is short, that there is not always going to be tomorrow to do those things God is calling out to you to do, those scriptures are God’s heart crying out for you to no longer put off doing whatever it is that he desires for you, chiefly, accepting Jesus and living for him.

Just this past week, I had a self-proclaimed minister support the words of some random Instagram user, who told me that anyone who attempts, or commits suicide cannot possibly be saved, because if they were, they would be grateful for Jesus dying on the cross for them, and taking your own life isn’t being grateful. (This isn’t a verbatim transcription of the post(s) I’m referencing, but I’m confident in my interpretation if the intended message of those words. 

I want everyone who reads this, who may have not felt the suffocating weight of depression to this degree, to sit with the truth, for just a moment, that it is completely possible for a Christian to suffer from depression. People like Job, and if memory serves me, David, and Moses felt such a magnitude of oppression, hopelessness, and depression that they asked God to take them out of this world.

            Please understand me, I am in no way advocating suicide as an answer. If my words steer you at all in that direction, stop what you are doing and reach out to me via Twitter (@BradH84) and I will connect with you via phone, because if no one else can be there for you in that moment, I’ll gladly take up that cross and bare it with you, until we see you past it. However, the point I am attempting to set the stage for with this line of thinking is this, when you are a Christian, and you believe with all of your heart, that when you take your last breath, you will be in the presence of God, free of all pain, sorrow, and tears, taking your own life can seem like the most effective way to achieve the peace you’ve not been able to find on earth.

            I know that for some Christians, this is true because I am speaking from experience. In the days leading up to my suicide attempt, and on March 3^rd, 2021, when I made the decision to follow through with the attempt, the thought on my mind, was that I couldn’t take another second of the battle. I thought that I was done fighting, and I believed that if I were successful in taking my life, I would be free of that pain, and in that moment, it felt like it was my only option.

            For some, that thought process might seem completely logical, but it’s not, God did not intend his words to be perverted and used as the catalyst to remove yourself from this world. Those pieces of scripture are not urges to push you to a decision that would rip you from your loved ones. Those scriptures were urges to turn to God, and I also believe a reminder, to the believer, that there is light at the end of the dark tunnels they might travel through in this messed up world.

            I know that things get dark, so dark you cannot see clearly to take even another step, but if you woke up today, your time on this earth isn’t done, God still has a purpose for every life, every breath, and every heartbeat. Hold on to that in the bleakest moments. If you can’t see an end to the pain, believe that there can still be a purpose worked out through your life, even during it.

            I’ll leave you with the same thing I mentioned in my previous post, for the person contemplating ending their life, you have two choices. You’re either going to be a statistic for suicide, or you’re going to let God work through your mess to make a positive impact on this world.

Romans 8:28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purpose.”

            We’ve all heard the phrase “Lord, bless this mess.” I truly believe, that if we fully submit, God can, and will take the worst that life has to offer, the thing that Satan meant to use as a tool to destroy you, and he will flip the entire situation on its head and shape it into something that breathes life into someone in their darkest moment.